#dayeleven

Seeing a little boy today at the park on what looked like his first bike being pushed by his dad with him running frantically behind shouting words of encouragement made me smile but a wave of grief just hit me.

The realisation of Not having our first daughter here running next to me jumping in the puddles in her wellies and rain mac on just like I always imagined as I walked past them with our rainbow in the pram.

Takes me back to the earlier days when I was pregnant with Violet and imagined all the things we’d be doing together. When those images don’t happen your whole world falls apart, ours fell apart withinminutes.

I’ve come to realise that this is going to be our life forever with everything that we see and everything that our rainbow does too knowing that one of our children will never get the opportunity.

I can’t remember what my life was like before grief, can you?

You learn to live with the pain and heartache every single day. Remember as always ‘you are not alone’ there’s always someone walking a similar path.

Be kind always just because it’s two years down the line doesn’t mean to say grief has packed its bags and gone.

It doesn’t mean to say that we aren’t hurting every day of our lives.

It doesn’t mean to say you can now stop asking ‘how we are.

It doesn’t mean to say you can’t talk about our children.

And it doesn’t mean to say that we are fixed it means behind the faces we are dealing with a life time of grief and we are still learning to live with the new normal.

Group B Strep Awareness Month

Have you heard of Group B Strep? You probably haven’t and neither did I until the worst possible thing happened to myself and husband the day our lives changed forever.

Group B Strep seems to be a infection/bacteria that doesn’t get talked about although it can be one of the most harmful bacteria’s to carry whilst pregnant. I had never been told or heard about Group B Strep throughout my first pregnancy. It was only until after I knew what it was and at that point for us it was too late. 

In October 2017 whilst pregnant with my first daughter Violet Esme we had decided on a natural birth I was ten days overdue and still waiting for her to make her appearance! My waters finally broke after a couple trips back and forth we decided to stay in hospital. I started to become unwell and that’s when we called our midwife in, at this point I wasn’t really expecting what she was about to tell me it never crossed my mind. She started my observations my temperature was fine my heart rate was fine only to find Violet’s heartbeat wasn’t. I’ll never forget her face when she put the Doppler on my bump and she asked if she had moved position. We all looked at each blankly because we already knew that Violet had died I just had that feeling. I got taken away for this to be confirmed with a scan where they told myself and husband ‘I’m sorry there’s no heartbeat’ the worst and most heartbreaking days of our lives they also told me at that point that I had Sepsis a deadly infection. I went onto to have a natural birth whilst I was battling with Sepsis and septic shock.

I hadn’t had a test done for Group B Strep through out my pregnancy as it wasn’t needed later knowing that actually every mother should be tested as Group B Strep can have little to no symptoms, come and go or be carried by a mother and have no impact. A swab was taken and confirmed I had Sepsis/Septic Shock. They later confirmed that I also was a carrier of Group B Strep and this was most likely to have caused the Sepsis as my waters went. Our question was how did I get it? Why wasn’t I tested? They told us the test for Group B Strep isn’t routinely tested within the NHS. It would only be picked up if I’d had a swab for something else. I still can’t believe it isn’t tested for or talked about during pregnancy for us if the test was done Violet could possibly still be alive. 

The Group B Strep can be passed through to your baby via your waters breaking. During my pregnancy I already was aware how important infection is after the waters breaking and how it can be passed through the waters a reason why I was being extra careful after they had broken at home. It still wasn’t enough. I wish no parent had to go through the loss of a child especially from something that can be prevented.

After giving birth to Violet I searched and searched to see if anyone could help the only support I came across was Instagram I found other mums in the same situation as me I spoke to them about how they too were not tested. I also came across Group B Strep Support they are a charity who raise awareness of the infection, support parents, provide information to the NHS and other medical professions and supports study/research days. Since speaking to GBS I realised how much it isn’t spoken about and how many other mums are unaware of the infection. GBS needs to be tested for within the NHS Group B Strep are an amazing charity and someone who we regular speak to and raise funds for through our fund we set up in memory of Violet ‘Violets Wishes’.

If you are pregnant or planning a pregnancy I would definitely recommend mentioning it to your midwife or buy a private test which can be done in the last few weeks of pregnancy, as in the UK it isn’t in the NHS guidelines therefore it would be up to your midwife to talk about it. If you have already been tested or have been told you are a carrier you should be given antibiotics during labour via an IV drip to stop any infection passing on, more information can be found by speaking to Group B Strep Support. 

  

Grace x

‘I Had A Stillbirth’

I wanted to write a short blog post on a subject I’ve heard of recently, ‘ I had a Stillbirth’.

Correction I had a baby who died and she had a name.

I feel like the saying ‘I had a Stillbirth’ is like putting our babies who didn’t survive into a category that shouts don’t talk about ‘the Stillbirth’ making them sound like they aren’t an actual person but just a thing that happened. No baby or child should be be described as a ‘thing’ It may seem hard to some people to realise that we had a child and gave birth when they aren’t here as it’s like we were never pregnant with a child.

She was stillborn but she’s also a child and was a baby at the time with a name who she goes by of ‘Violet Esme’ so please use it.

When people have asked me in the past mostly whilst pregnant with our rainbow “first baby?” I usually said ‘no second I had a little girl who died’ sometimes the response was ‘oh you had a Stillbirth’ Actually she’s a baby, my daughter called Violet she passed away.

It puts us back into that category when people mention us as parents well they don’t actually because they would most likely say ‘that happened to her’ ‘she had a Stillbirth’ Sometimes I have said it about myself and others but not meaning it in any way that our babies weren’t a baby but now I see it and why the Stillbirth taboo is around the subject. Coming from a bereaved mother I do understand what it’s like depending on who we speak to and where we are with also our own feelings taken into account. Sometimes for the sake of our own sanity and for those people who we know at that time wouldn’t know what to say it’s easier to say something simple like ‘I had a Stillbirth’ it keeps the conversation short and simple when all you want to do is run out of wherever you are curl up in a ball and cry with fear, anxiety and grief!

If we keep minimising the subject and people keep talking about our babies in this way as if they were no never actually a human then no wonder there is a whole taboo around it!

Let’s start describing our babies, talking about them in the way they deserve. So next time you and I ask someone if they have more children and the response could be something similar ‘ask them their name’ and talk to the parent about them from my knowledge it’s what parents want, there’s nothing worse than being ignored.

Grace xox

The Reason Why We Kept Our Rainbow Baby Private

After a very long 9 months we welcomed to the world our rainbow baby Everly Hope born on 11.01.19 after a very tough year losing Violet and then a very fearful year of pregnancy after loss our rainbow is here and we have certainly been blessed by little Violet.

Your probably wondering why we kept our pregnancy quite the reason being because you live in constant fear. It’s certainly been a hard path of ‘Pregnancy after loss’ to walk, living in constant fear, wondering if you will bring your baby home or will it happen again as well as grieving for your child that is no longer here. Re visiting the place where we walked out of empty handed knowing full well in 9 months (hopefully and I say hopefully because I know this doesn’t always happen and it can happen multiple times) you would be walking out with another one of your children.

Sitting in the same place patiently waiting to be seen by our consultant every week is really difficult emotionally and mentally. Coping with grief during these times is difficult and carrying on living a life is also mentally draining as well as being pregnant. The comments we received never helped in fact most were pretty hard to handle “it’ll never happen again” or “it never happens to the same person twice” – it does. Me being pregnant again was amazing but it was difficult when asked “first baby?” No second I’m pretty sure I don’t have to explain what was coming next.

The milestone of when Violet passed away would soon be creeping up on us for us there was no other part of our pregnancy with Violet it was the last part and that’s what makes it so hard.

Losing Violet has made us stronger parents but now having Everly in our lives has made us even stronger.

We are so in love with Everly and can’t wait to start making memories just like we have we Violet our family of 4 is now complete ✨

Ashley, Grace, Violet & Everly xox

Walking Down the Aisle

I will never forget that day in May the day of our friends funeral, at the time I was about 16 weeks pregnant and we hadn’t decided if to start sharing our news to other than our very close friends and family.

I remember coming out of the crematorium we were all standing out side together. As we left a funeral car pulled up with a small coffin inside, a children’s funeral my heart shattered, one of our friends who is also a father said ‘that is the one funeral I would not like to go, it must one of the toughest things to go through as a parent’ 6 months later he was stood in the same crematorium watching our daughter be cremated, carried in by her daddy, his very good friend. One of the bravest things I’ve ever seen my husband do, I absolutely love you and you have made Violet so proud.

After a few days spent with Violet as a family we decided to have a blessing on the day we decided to leave the birthing centre The priest was lovely and gave Violet the blessing she deserved reading put a beautiful poem. Myself and Ashley said our goodbyes later that afternoon we told Violet how much we loved her and how much we missed her already. We sent Violet on her first part of her journey wrapped up in the Moses basket with her teddys and favorite blanket, our midwife took Violet to her first place where she would rest in peace.

Once we were home we decided to arrange Violet’s funeral something as a parent we never thought we would have to organise for our daughter. We wanted a small ceremony with only close friends and family the people who mattered or who had been a part of our lives especially whilst I was pregnant.

How on earth do you ever say goodbye to your child?

We spoke to our funeral directors who asked us if we would like to go down and see them in person to focus rather than over the phone. So we did. A few days after coming home we drove down the road and walked into the funeral directors, a place I knew well unfortunately a place I’d been to 6 months before when my husband cousin sadly passed away and a few years before when my father in law passed away too. I never realised I would be going in there again especially under these circumstances. I’ll never forget when I went to my friends funeral and said I hope I never have to come here again, how wrong was I? The funeral directors were have to say amazing, we went in and was welcomed by a man who man who was very sincere and empathetic he made us a cup of tea and we spoke about what we wanted for Violet’s funeral. He asked how old Violet was, her date of birth and full name. As this was a funeral for a baby they covered the cost of everything, which was one stress from our minds.

We decided on a humanist ceremony as both of us are not ‘church people’ as such and a small white coffin which would be with us in the car it had Violet’s name engraved on the top on a silver plaque Violet was already dressed in what we wanted her in and had everything around her already which we had sorted whilst in the hospital. We left the funeral directors as happy as we could be after arranging most of the funeral. We had set a date which was 2 weeks after we arrived home. Our humanist celebrant visited us at our home, we had actually met our celebrant before as he had performed my father in laws funeral and our friends only a few months before. He was very kind and helpful with Violets funeral. Although we don’t have memories of Violet as a child growing up it was very difficult to decide what we wanted him to talk about, he had said that it will be a ceremony to thank the people around you and who have been around whilst carrying Violet and also a time to reflect on how life can be so cruel but also how we should take advantage of the things in life.

The funeral was the following week after on the Thursday we had invited only a small amount of people, including only family, close friends, a couple of people from work who I worked closely with and our midwife. I was already dreading this day. Violets coffin would be carried in by either me, Ashley or the undertaker as for respect and privacy they wouldn’t have a funeral car for a baby and Violet would be sat on one or both of our knees on the way, which as parents we were happy with. Ashley decided Violet would be carried in by him as her daddy he wanted this to be the last thing he did for Violet. I didn’t think at the time what would happen or what you even do at a baby’s funeral I’ve never had to think what to do because I’ve never been in this position before. A position I wouldn’t wish on anyone. A couple of nights before we chose what to wear. I have always said that when it comes to my turn no one is to wear black and I want millions of brightly coloured flowers. So for Violet’s I wore black pants a beautiful black satin shirt with green and purple flowers on and burgundy coloured shoes with a long grey coat. Ashley had decided he wanted to wear his suit which he did with a purple coloured tie.

The morning of Violet’s funeral had arrived, we hadn’t slept at all ~ we hadn’t slept at all since coming home. We were exhausted but I wanted to try and make the effort I look awful my face was so pale and I had not stopped crying for nearly two weeks my eyes were constantly blood shot puffy and red. I’ll never forget when my husband said

‘This is not the aisle I wanted to walk our daughter down’

I just cried, we both stood in the bedroom and cried tears streaming down our faces. I felt sick to the stomach, nervous, faint, light headed. We got in the car and drove down to the funeral directors which wasn’t far from where we live. We pulled up in the car and got out, as we walked to the front door I could not control myself the tears had started, i just burst. Ashley was amazingly strong way stronger than me, he hugged me and helped me in side where my dad was waiting for us, I can picture his face he was so sad and tears were rolling down his cheeks. Entering the funeral directors where Violet was lay to rest was so painful knowing she was lay in that little tiny coffin with the lid shut broke and still breaks my heart. My mum, sister and mother in law were already there. We stared down at the coffin in the little room until it was time to leave, my close family traveled with us in the car.

Me and Ashley get into the car and Violet was passed over to us. I could not control myself, the tears were streaming down my face I could not believe I was about to say goodbye for the final time to my baby, my first born our daughter. On the way over I kept thinking the week before I was driving over this road to give birth now I’m driving over it to take our daughter to the crematorium. A large amount of emotions crossed my mind including WHY had this happened to me and to us the question that crosses my mind very single day.

Pulling up to the crematorium every one was waiting for us to arrive the car stopped and the tears just started to fall. I got out first not looking at anyone, I stood at the doors and waited for Ashley. Ashley carried Violet through into the crematorium we sat at the front with Violet.

Walking into that place is another heartbreaking thing I’ve ever done. The service was as nice as it could be we sat and cried all the way through which is to be expected. Once the service was over we sat with Violet for a few minutes alone until we finally had to say goodbye. I felt as if and I was leaving my child behind. Once we left we went straight home shut the blinds and didn’t leave for two days.

I can’t even describe the pain and heartache we went through. I write my blog because I want other parents and people to know what we have to do as a bereaved parent. Because let’s face it who knows that all this happens? And it’s something that you have to physically arrange? I didn’t and I was going through it.

A year in the emotions are sky high.

This day will be a milestone every year for us to go through with memories we will never ever be able to forget and something I hope I will never have to do again. The memories this year are so raw it feels like I’ve done it all over again.

I hope my post lets others know what we really have to go through and that life isn’t easy nor is something we forget. Each milestone will be treasured in our minds forever.

Grace xox

The reason I ‘dislike’ Halloween

Halloween is or should I say was one of my favourites time of year. I loved anything to do with a day where dressing up in ridiculous outfits is acceptable!

Last year I couldn’t wait to get Violet dressed up in her first Halloween outfit she would have been at the time only 3 days old and most likely taking her to her first family Halloween party filled with spooky things and people congratulating us and saying how cute she looked.

Now the thought of Halloween scares me I hate it because it’s the day I walked out empty handed.

It’s a day I’ll never forget those moments of that day are so very raw. It feels like its happening all over again the flash backs from this time last year are floating around in my head. The day I woke up next to our sleeping angel, knowing full well it would be the day that we leave the hospital to come home and we would be saying goodbye to our daughter. I can picture every part of that day. Waking up in the morning in floods of tears I got dressed brushed my hair and put some makeup on I made myself look as presentable as possible. I wanted to look nice for Violet’s blessing we had planned. I remember wearing a white T-shirt with a metallic pinky purple unicorn on the front which id worn previously in my pregnancy.

We had Violet blessed in the mid morning and spent our last day as a family of 3. I remember spending most of the day crying because I knew deep down this would it I would never set eyes on her again only in memories.

The rest of the day we spent holding Violet and telling Violet how much we loved her and how much I was going to miss her. It’s one of the hardest days of my life. I look back on what we had to go through I can’t believe I had to say goodbye to my baby.

Our midwives came to say hello during the period of the day where one of our midwives asked if she could kindly take Violet down to where she would be rested. It was late afternoon now and our midwives turned up to take Violet on her way. We placed Violet in a moses basket wrapped up in her pink blanket, a knitted patterned blanket which we had received in our memory box, 3 teddy’s, wearing the outfit we bought her to come home in aswell as a matching hat. I wrote A letter to Violet which I placed inside. It’s awful what we have to go through as a bereaved parent and it’s things that no one knows because who knew you would have to do these kind of things, I didn’t.

I held Violet for the last time before placing her in the Moses basket. I’ll never forget this moment because she wrapped her little fingers around mine without me knowing until I looked down. I just cried out loud and said “she doesn’t want me to go”. We took our last photos, my husband held and kissed her before we placed her in the basket.

We said our last goodbyes and our midwife asked if we were ready to say goodbye for the final time, we were never ready to say goodbye.

Our midwives were amazing and you can see it in their eyes that they too were just as upset as we were. Our midwife picked the Moses basket up with Violet peacefully lay in it and started to carry her out towards the door. I’ll never ever forget that feeling of leaving our baby behind I cried out loud and hugged my husband this was the last time we saw her beautiful face.

She walked out and closed the doors behind her the worst memory I have.

After some time of sitting in the suite we were ready to leave the hospital. It was late by this time which was better for us as we didn’t want to be leaving the hospital during the day when the antenatal clinic was on as we knew we would be seeing other parents walking out with their newborns or for some like us maybe not. Another one of our midwives helped us with our stuff and opened the door out of the suite. I hadn’t been out of the suite since entering, roughly about for 5 days before. My legs turned to jelly as I walked through the doors my midwife on one side and my husband on the other.

We turned the corner past the reception and a couple of midwives who stood by. As we approached the lift I could feel myself turning into an emotional wreck, our midwife asked if I was ok and reminded me I’m doing well. We walked to the car and I got in. We made it to the car but could we make the journey home without our baby?

All I could do is look towards the back seat of the car. She should be in the back but she wasn’t.

We started to drive home the further we got away from the birthing centre the more I started to get emotional the more I cried. We drove through a small village where I spotted trick or treaters running along the path with their little buckets full of sweets in their cute little costumes scaring each other some only very young. My heart just screamed in pain. I cried out loud and screamed for Violet’s rabbit and her. My husband pulled over and got her rabbit out of the bag in the boot. I calmed down and by this time we were home.

We parked the car and walked into the house and never looked left.

Halloween will never be the same because the memories will never go away. They may fade but they certainly will still be there as raw as anything. I’m sure with time it will be easier to deal with but this year it’s as hard as anything. Knowing full well that I won’t be able to dress up my little one in a pumpkin outfit or take her trick or treating when she’s older. She won’t be having fun with her friends from school or going to the school disco. My other children might be but she won’t. I’ll always have an empty space, the place where she should be stood next to other children and missing out of photos.

Halloween will never be the same, we see empty buckets and unworn costumes, we hear silent doorbells, we know who’s missing.

xox

A Reflection On The Last 11 Months

11 months have passed some days it feels so raw some days it feels like it happened so long ago.

This time last year we were getting excited and ready for the arrival of our new addition to the family. 11 months on we are dealing with grief and heart ache.

When I look back at the last 11 months I see a stronger version of myself not because I’ve had to but because I chose too. In the early days of grief and losing Violet someone said to me “because you have too” no you don’t everyone has a choice and my choice was to be strong and carry on for Violet. I also knew if I didn’t I would end up not being where I am today.

I look over the months and see myself someone who has stood tall through it all and proud to have become a mother. The first months dealing with grief and the loss of Violet was hard which you would expect. No one is going to get up and say “ok I’m fine now” after a month. I pretty much spent the first two months living in my pjs drinking tea, not going out at all and staying up half the night because I couldn’t sleep. I spent plenty of days crying In fact most of my days I would sit for hours crying with my husband sat cradling me as I wept where ever I was at the moment I needed to break down and cry. The first time I went out after Violet was born I braved getting in the car and going out to Asda the furthest one away so that we didn’t bump into anyone. At the time It wasn’t long after I’d given birth to Violet probably about two weeks. I’ll never ever forget the lady at the check out said “when are you due?” I felt a moment of silence and the woman’s face when I said “I’m not” and walked off leaving my husband and the shopping behind. To then get in the car and break down in tears. If only she knew. How could I face ever living on with my life without Violet in it? But I did and I have been doing for the last 11 months.

The week after Violet being born we planned for Violets funeral. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done and for any parent ever. It took a lot of courage for us to walk into the funeral directors and say “my baby died” the funeral directors were really nice and very very empathetic. I will be writing a blog post on planning for Violet’s funeral I haven’t as yet as it’s been the toughest post to write.

Christmas was about to arrive I was not looking forward to it at all. We attended my husbands Christmas party which was the first event we had been too since Violet was born. I was dreading it but also wanted to enjoy it. I remember sitting there feeling nervous as hell as the people we were going with all knew what had happened and some are our close friends who we’d hadn’t yet seen us only at Violet’s funeral. People came up to us to say how sorry they were and if they can do anything to let them know, unsure of what but we noticed this was a thing people said I think it was more of a ‘I’m thinking about you but I don’t really know what to say’ although deep down everyone knew we wouldn’t be ringing a stranger saying “can I come round to weep on your shoulder”. It was nice to be thought about and that people showed they do care something at the time we needed. As Christmas came around it was pretty quite for us just how we wanted I found it really difficult having our first Christmas without Violet we had planned so much, even buying matching Christmas pjs. We got through it and tried to enjoy it as much as possible. January and February was quite we literally did nothing I tried to recover from being ill with Sepsis and still had visits to the hospital which I needed to attend. By February I had decided to return to work for my own sanity as being in the house alone was like torture I was making myself worse.

Going back to work for me was a massive achievement and something I thought I would never do. Like many I must have been the first to return to work. I didn’t want to but I forced myself to go back and I did. Something I now regret. Work has been let’s say challenging. Mainly because it’s difficult no one know what’s to say, everyone just seems to rush by without batting an eye lid your actually sat there. Or that’s how it feels from some.

Time has passed has it got easier? Yes. Things don’t feel so raw although it’s all still there at the front of my mind. Time really does pass by and the world does carry on. I can honestly say I was dreading and am dreading October.

October is Violet’s birthday month and also pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. I will try and make it as special as possible but I have already found it extremely difficult knowing that this time last year my baby died.

I have come so far in the 11 months I’ve also met some amazing parents. I couldn’t even see myself doing half of what I’ve done. I’ve grieved, returned to work, raised awareness for Sands, Group B Strep and The U.K. Sepsis Trust via social media. I’ve climbed a mountain in memory of Violet and raised £900, myself and my husband set up a fund ‘Violets Wishes’ which has raised so far over £1500 and I’m up for an award at this years Butterfly awards, I’m involved in a research study at the University of Manchester, I’ve helped changed the path way of care as well setting up all my social media and helping raise awareness to others. I’m amazed how far I’ve come some times it makes me realise just how far when I write it all down or reflect on the past few months. I can honestly say I wouldn’t of changed it for the world all because it’s in memory of Violet to keep her name alive. This is all a massive achievement for me already all though to others it may not seem a lot.

Although the last 11 months have been very difficult they some how have also been memorable moments and massive achievements!

Question is where will the next twelve months take me….?

Grace xox

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

Why is October so important?

October marks the month of pregnancy and infant loss awareness it’s also Violet’s birthday month.

1st October 2018 it seems to have come around so quickly. This morning when I realised it was the first of the month it hit me like a tonne of bricks! I saw a photo which read “I am the face I am 1 in 4” I burst in to tears. It’s really upsetting that rather than saying it’s Violets birthday month Im saying those words. Only to realise it’s the month Violet was born. Her due date and her first birthday.

This time last year I had finished work and was preparing to welcome a new member to the team. We had family and friends visit us just before her hopefully ‘big day’ not realising that Violet’s big day would be slightly different. I was aware that October marked pregnancy and infant loss awareness as my friends little girl was born sleeping the year before Violet in October 2016 it made me more cautious to get everything checked whilst pregnant and in labour but not knowing that I was also going to walk this path anyway no matter how cautious I was.

When I woke this morning, thoughts of sadness, emptiness and heartache filled my mind. What should I be doing right now? I should be off on maternity leave, I should be walking down the road with Violet in the pram. I should be having sleepless night, I should be going to play groups and interacting with new mums. My holiday which I’m currently on now should be filled with her laugh, her little smiling face, she would be crawling about in her little swimsuit and matching hat that our friend bought (which is gorgeous and covered in bright pink and purple flowers it makes me smile every time I look at it!) these are the things that people don’t see.

I’ve met so many new parents, parents who are going through baby loss, parents who have children, parents who are currently pregnant and parents who have lost older children and I can’t thank them enough for the support they have provided but also for the support we’ve all given to each other. But I can admit it’s not the way I had planned in fact it’s not the way any of us planned.

For most who haven’t lost or have children it’s something you can never imagine. I know I couldn’t before having Violet, I couldn’t even imagine what it would be like or to go through or on a daily basis.

October for me will never be the same it will be a month of heartache but also a month of love and remembering our daughter to celebrate her birthday. I hope one day it gets easier for me and for all the other bereaved parents.

I want to say thank you to all the support I’ve had from the baby loss community and the amazing parents I’ve met through out my journey who will make the month of October and every day easier as the years go on. It’s crazy to think that all the parents I’ve spoken to who I’ve never met I can message and say “I’m having a tough time” they know exactly what it’s like or say the ‘right’ things.

To many babies have been taken too soon it’s heartbreaking and actually shocking to see the numbers of babies, infants and children who have passed away either before birth, during birth or after.

Baby loss and infant loss is still a massive taboo subject and it’s really frustrating. It’s so much more popular than people think, I follow nearly 2k accounts on social media and 80% is a parent losing a child or baby. When it’s put this way it’s a lot more than I thought and more than people expect. This is my account alone just think how many more parents are out there? It’s sad knowing that we are in this ‘category’ because I Am the face I AM 1 in 4′.

It’s essential to keep raising awareness of Stillbirths, miscarriages, baby loss and infant loss the more awareness is raised the more things will be changed not only in health practice’s and hospitals but in the way general public speak out about it.

Please share this post but also taken a moment this month to remember all the babies who sadly passed away.

This month especially I will be remembering all the babies and children taken too soon and all the angels I know that are up there with Violet watching down on us.

Violet I love you and I promise to make this month and your first birthday extra special.

All my love this month and always

Grace xox

The Hidden Killer Sepsis

I may have shared this photo several times I forget that this day in October last year I was severely ill and nearly died. The reason is because I had Sepsis.

Looking at this photo it most likely shows you a different picture. Sepsis kills more people, each year, than breast, bowel and prostate cancer combined. Would you know how to spot it?

This is one part of my story which is a complete blur, I hardly remember anything this part may seem mixed up or back to front but these parts are the only parts I can actually remember.

I’m writing this post because I want to make other pregnant ladies, elderly, the young and adults know how dramatically ill you can become and how deadly Sepsis is. Within minutes after we had been told Violets heartbeat had stopped I become dramatically ill I had no clue what was going on it was all a massive blur, I don’t remember getting undressed or being moved to another room all I do remember is being in a wheel chair, I hardly remember the doctors, the midwives, the consultants faces that entered the room on separate occasions throughout the night. I don’t remember feeling anything, I don’t remember having millions of blood taken or the 7 drips I had pumped into me. I was exhausted I’d been up solid for 2 days.

Once labour had fully started and I was fully dilated I was told It was safer for me to have a natural birth. I wanted a natural birth all along but under the circumstances and being told I had Sepsis I wasn’t sure if I could go through with it. They did say it wasn’t safe for me to have a c-section due to me having Sepsis, if they had have given me the epidural I possibly could of either had a reaction or be paralysed. I did ask if I could be put to sleep to make it less stressful for me and my husband, they confirmed it would be safer for me to not be because they knew my heart rate would be so high it would be a risk.

Labour began I was fully on my way to pushing my baby out, I tried, I pushed and pushed, I was exhausted, being in labour is anyway but I had to do all of this with my body in septic shock. My body was trying it’s best, it stopped, my contractions stopped, I became so ill that body started to give up, i was like a dead weight, I was thirsty and I wasn’t allowed to drink anything, my body went into shock. The mask got pulled over my face for oxygen, my heart rate went through the roof I became septic. My husband stood and watched at my side he saw me in pain, he watched me give birth to our sleeping beauty and there was nothing he could do, he also watched me severely ill.

He deserves a medal for being the bravest and the best daddy/husband. I don’t remember anything but after I’d given birth to Violet I stepped out of that bed like nothing had even happened, you would not believe your eyes if you saw me on that day I just got up like I’d never even nearly died.

I am so proud of myself for making it through, although non of my organs failed I was really really ill and I honestly can’t stress to you how Ill I was and how painful it was to go through loss of our daughter from Sepsis and myself. When your world gets flashed before your eyes you really do wonder if your going to be alive in the next few minutes. I can’t stress how important this Is and for everyone to the know the signs, I didn’t know because it’s something that never got discussed if I had it could of saved my daughters life and mine. I want to thank all the midwives and doctors who looked after me and delivered Violet.

Sepsis is the hidden killer it’s kills more people than breast, bowel and prostate cancer combined in fact it kills 5 people an hour in the UK every single day.

I never knew the signs of sepsis but I was very aware of infection during pregnancy and knew that infection once your waters had broken can occur. Little did I know what kind of infection or how quickly you can become ill from it. Something I regret and wish I knew the signs or someone had told me. Maybe I was to cautious?

It’s so vital that during pregnancy infections are spoken about and made aware which infection can occur. Sepsis needs to be recognised during labour. Although I wasn’t showing signs of being unwell and baby’s heartbeat was there at the time I did have a bad back which I had mentioned several times, maybe this was the infection starting? Who knows. From my experience the birthing centre which we were cared for at has now changed the pathway of care and if any one feels unwell in any way then the Sepsis route is taken to prevent Sepsis from happening if it is or to help with infection if it is and save babies lives.

For more information on Sepsis and the symptoms please click on the link below.

Thank you to This Morning for spreading the word about this deadly infection. Let’s help save others by knowing the signs.

https://www.facebook.com/ThisMorning/videos/10156680699162122/

sepsistrust.org

Grace and Violet xox

Why Do You Always See The Sad Story?

I’m further down my journey now so why cant you see how beautiful my daughter looks and how happy i was to become a mother not the sad side to the story?

I’ve noticed one thing recently that everyone focus’s on the sad story of a photo not what the photo is. For instance I posted a beautiful photo of me and Violet most people reacted to it in a sad way and said how sad my story was but all I wanted was for people to say and show me some love on how beautiful she is. Everyone else has these comments? just because my daughter isn’t a alive doesn’t meant to say I don’t want any one to see how beautiful she is. My days are getting easier, I can sit and talk about Violet (on some days, not all) yes it hurts so much and the pain constantly stabs me in the heart but I will always talk about her. My love for Violet will be shown to everyone whether that be in a photo or words. I want you to enjoy it too. I want that appreciation I deserve, everyone forgets I had to give birth like all the other mum’s to be and that in its self is a massive achievement, Violet will always be my daughter.

So next time I post about Violet don’t just concentrate on the sad side think about the positive side too even if its for one moment.

Grace xox