Coping with grief & the “not knowing how to approach it situation” the subject no one wants to talk about
Grieving is something that happens no matter what when a loved one is lost, in our case our daughter. Something I hoped I would never have to feel and something which we will never just “get over”.
I feel sometimes like I’m not grieving because I’m not staying in bed until noon, crying at every thing in sight, not being able to leave the house, hating everyone and feeling angry, at times its confusing unless you’ve lost a child I’m not sure this will feeling will ever be explained. In a way its like that part of you is stuck in a moment in time which I feel 99% of the time.
Everyone is effected in different ways, don’t get me wrong I’ve had my fair share of days in bed, sitting in Violets bedroom crying hours on end, not being able to leave the house, hiding and doing 5 laps around the super market just to avoid someone so they don’t ask me and I have to say the words ‘Violet was born with no heartbeat’ this for me would be accepting that she has gone something I don’t want to have to say or accept.
Sorry if I’m about to offend anyone on the below post but….
Lets face it I’ve been told many of times “your baby is too beautiful for earth” really? is she?! that’s funny because you never met her, you never bonded with her, yes she’s beautiful but I want and need her with us not in the sky above some where. Does that mean that all the other babies on this planet are ugly and not beautiful enough to die??
‘God needed another angel’ funny because he didn’t ask you for yours!
I’m shocked how people say things but don’t realise its actually upsetting, to us bereaved parents things are taken more sensitive than usual.
“is it like you’ll get over it” ?
“you’ll never ‘get over it’ ” ?
Yes your right ill never ‘get over it’ my daughter was here who lived and breathed on this planet she may not be here right now but she was for a short period of time.
These are the words that do not help the situation and us bereaved parents quite frankly don’t want to hear!
Sometimes the cause of the stuckness isn’t the grief itself, but the fact that you don’t even recognize that you’ve lost something and that you need to grieve.
Grief doesn’t fit in a box, either. Some forms of grief take years to work through, other types take a few solid months, some take a single moment of deep acknowledgement.
Everyone grieves differently and for different reasons, but one thing remains constant in the process. It’s the one thing no one has ever said about grieving:
“I did it right on time.” Grieving is marked by a lag, a delay, a freezing, “Wait. What just happened?”
One moment you feel you’ve fully moved past something, the next moment it’s right back in front of your face.
That’s because grief is insidious, imposing and demands to be felt. Even if you’re able to somehow avoid it all day long, grief comes back to you in your sleep. It’s laying right on your heart as you wake up.
Grief doesn’t say, “I’ve been here long enough, I think it’s time for me to leave.”
No. Grief crowds the heart, eats up all your energy and chronically imposes upon your peace. But grief isn’t some evil force that’s only there to cause pain, grief is escorting up an even deeper feeling, a truth about your life, what you value and what you need. Perhaps how much you wanted something, how deeply you care about someone, how far you’ve come from where you were.
Grief is a funny little thing and something no one person can avoid when something tragic in someone’s life happens.
Grief takes along time to go away, ongoing support is essential from people around. There is always that moment when news has been given that a baby has passed away, being in this situation as a bereaved mother you find that no one wants to approach the situation, that feeling you get when there’s an elephant in the room. Ongoing support from people around is to talk about it when the time is right, say the right thing, be kind & be sensitive – put yourself in our shoes.