I was so nervous, I was so nervous about giving birth I don’t know why as I’d built myself up for this day and prepared my mind with a variety of techniques, I’d done breathing excerises and hypnobirthing most of the way through my pregnancy which was meant to help. This went allll out the window!
I never realised how incredibly ill I was until now, now that I’m out of hospital. Its scary to think as well as losing my baby I very nearly could of died, if I wasn’t in good health and my heart wasn’t as good as it is I wouldn’t be sat here writing this blog.
This is the part that I would of liked to have remembered, as painful as it was I always wanted to remember the birth of our daughter, unfortunately its something I don’t remember with only flash backs from different times during the birth.
After I got told my baby had no heartbeat they left me alone for a while to go into natural labour, after some time I was then induced (or I think that’s what happened).
I got wheeled into a room where a met my bereavement midwife Janet, Janet was lovely she made me feel comfortable and got us settled in. I don’t remember much I remember eating a dry cheese sandwich which I had to force down because I really had no appetite at this point which you don’t when your in labour, feeling like a whale and your stomachs contracting like crazy! I remember being laid on the bed saying my back hurts, over and over again. I was in so much pain it was unbearable I have never felt pain like it. It was like someone was stabbing me in my lower back with a needle. I was uncomfortable for hours lay in bed I remember asking my midwife if she could sit me up more, I kept complaining I was in so much pain, my back hurt, I was sliding down and off the bed. She made me feel as comfortable as possible, I was in that much pain nothing would of helped.
The hours had passed and people had been coming in and out all afternoon and night checking on me, topping up my drips, checking my oxygen level, taking tonnes of blood something I hate I’m not a fan of needles and I hate having my blood done it makes my toes curl!
They had brought in a bed for my husband to have a sleep on we had been awake now for several hours, I was falling asleep in and out. My husband had said to me if you need me shout for me I’m only here.
Few hours had passed…..
The time had come to start the process of delivery, Janet my midwife prepared me for delivery and explained what I needed to do. I was still in and out of consciousness so it was difficult to concentrate but Janet guided me all the way. It’s so difficult to remember, being on that bed and having to start pushing a baby out with hardly any contractions is one of the scariest things I’ve ever done. Although I knew Violets heartbeat had gone I was excited to see what she looked like and to hold her for the first time. I always thought to myself I can’t wait to hear her first cry when she’s born, it’s like something you see on television something that 9/10 usually happens. I was heartbroken I wouldn’t hear her cry I never will, I’ll never know what she sounds like, I’ll never know if she heard us talking to her when she was born and when met we became a family for the first time.
After some time and a constant time of pushing with not much happening my midwife called for a doctor. The doctor who completed my scan with Violet who explained she had no heartbeat entered the room with other midwives. At this point I was gone, I can only remember snippets.
I’m pretty sure they induced me even more than I already was at this point, the doctor called for another doctor who entered she was female but I couldn’t tell you what she looked like. She asked me to let them know when I had a contraction and to push, time had passed my contractions had stopped My body was giving in although I was still trying to push, Violet had made no movement down. I had become very ill and my body was starting to shut down they induced to the maximum they could but nothing worked. My heart rate was sky high, One of the midwives I think it could of been Janet placed an oxygen mask over my nose and mouth to help me breathe. My husband mentioned to me afterwards that my heart rate was so high the veins on the side of my neck were popping out. He’s never seen anything like it and that if they went for the de-fib machine on the wall he knew he’d lost me and Violet.
I just lied there through it all with absolutely no emotion and no feelings, it was like a part of me had died too and that I no longer had a purpose.
As it came to the last push Janet had now finished her shift she kindly asked us if she could stay and meet Violet. We were so pleased she wanted to as she had been one of the midwives that had and was going to look after us. She held my hand I looked at her and said “I can’t do this, I can’t” “it’s all my fault” why do you keep saying that she replied, because “I carried my baby I made her ill” she reassured me and held my hand a little harder.
My husband held my other hand whilst the doctor explained if Violet wasn’t born on the next try I would be prepped for a c-section although they had told us that It would be too risky to have one due to the infection and my heart rate being so high. But if it came to it I would have to and take the risk of being put to sleep wether I would wake up or not would be down to my body fighting the sepsis.
A few minutes later both doctors tried with forceps the biggest forceps I’ve ever seen I was hoping that they wouldn’t have to use them, but knowing my baby would be a long baby I had been warned already that they do use them if necessary.
They tried, nothing, nothing was happening at this point. The next thing I remember is the doctor trying again with forceps and dragging her out the pain was over it’s like I’d forgotten about it already.
Violet was born, blood went every where all over me and all over the doctor. My husband had said it looked like it had been thrown all over the room and he’s surprised he didn’t faint at the amount there was. As the midwives were tying to clean up around him, the doctor asked what her name was replying “Violet Esme”. Janet cried “she’s beautiful”. She was placed onto my chest and my husband cut part of the cord. It was the best feeling in the world. I screamed and cried her little long body was warm but cold at the same time. I just couldn’t believe what had happened we had become parents for the first time. The midwife pulled up my nightie which I’d been wearing the whole time because they didn’t have time to take it off and I’m glad as I felt uncomfortable being complete naked even though I was about to give birth. Her pinky white coloured skin touched mine she was so long and she was beautiful just like we thought with the most amazing lips. Her face had been cut with the forceps the doctor explained that because Violet wasn’t alive the skin is different and doesn’t heal the same as a living newborn.
The doctor and midwives had left us alone for a few minutes whilst we had some time as a family, I looked up and the doctor was crying he had tears rolling down his face as he left the room, my second bereavement midwife Angie was also crying as she left the room, I just couldn’t believe what had happened.
My husband touched my head and gave me a kiss, we took some photos of us together as a family. I was still holding Violet by this point I didn’t want to let her go I was being very protective. The doctor explained he was going to place some stitches where I had torn, I still had Violet in my arms at this point. Ouch that hurt, the little stabbing pain was where he had injected me it’s the only pain I can remember!
How much does She weigh? I don’t know Grace because you’ve had hold of her all this time. Angie weighed Violet she’s 8.2lb a lovely size and very long. She was so long her little legs went over the edge of the scales she was wrapped in a towel and placed back over to my husband.
She was so cute she looked so peaceful and so cuddly, she was perfect and she was and always will be our daughter.
As I was then assisted onto another bed I was moved into the observation room where I was then looked after by Angie. I was moved here due to the Sepsis I still had a few IV drips and would be on antibiotics for the next few days.
Our hearts had been melted, Violet was perfect, she was so beautiful and she was ours. Violet had changed me into a mother and the person I am today.