Where do I start, there is actually no words to describe the pain. The pain of not having my baby by my side.
How’s your baby?
Errrr ‘I had a stillbirth’ the words I’ve not wanted to say for such a long time ~ is it acceptance that Violet has gone?
To help me through my days of grief I’ve recently been reading a book called ‘saying goodbye’ by the wonderful author Zoe Clark-Coates this book has been written by Zoe who also has experienced loss. This book takes you on a path of 90 days walking through grief. In a post within the book it hits the nail on the head, something I wanted to blog about, others Mother’s being pregnant.
Before I was pregnant I never really noticed women with bumps, prams or children I did notice a little but never took any attention to it. During my pregnancy I noticed a few more things, now whilst I’m a mother and grieving I notice EVERYTHING!
It’s literally there being rubbed in my face 24/7!
~ adverts on the television
~ The instagram posts with newborns, births, baby clothes and bumps.
~ The lady who pulls up next to you in the car park she could of parked any out of the bays where I was parked but she had to pick the one next to me, out she pops all smiley with her newborn in the baby seat in the car.
~ The social media posts “We’re pregnant” “look at my bump” “not long till I’m due”
When I was pregnant I never announced my pregnancy on social media until a month before, one of the main reasons was because the year before in October my friend had a stillbirth. It scared me it was upsetting, I’d never cried like that before when I found out that her little girl had gone. We had decided to keep our pregnancy to family and friends only in a way i put myself in my friends shoes and thought what would I feel like if it was the other round? and I kept seeing posts of pregnancy announcements. Keeping it quite until we went on holiday a month before, we’d got through most of my pregnancy and didn’t think that now much could go wrong although it was something I knew happened. And it did……
As a bereaved parent I think about my daughter all the time every minute of every day, to see posts, news, tv adverts It’s absolutely soul destroying it’s not that I’m not happy for the new mums because I am I’m really happy it is the best thing that will ever happen to a woman, that bond when your baby is born is unbelievable it’s no love you can explain, it’s amazing and I’d do it 5 more times if I could!
I know what it’s like to become a mother and then your baby to be taken away from you within minutes and that’s what hurts so much I crave the love from Violet and long to hold her again in my arms.
I knew Violet would become my BFF and that connection for a mother and daughter would be an amazing feeling, it really does make me smile writing those words because although Violet is not here we have that connection. To see other mums with there babies especially friends or family its like no other pain I’ve experienced, deep down I’m craving for that bond again with my daughter.
Although I know I can’t hide away it’s something that I need to conquer and within time it will become easier for me and for all you bereaved parents too.
I hope this is helpful to you and gives you an insight on how grief can affect another mother or father. For now if I don’t congratulate you or like your post please don’t take it to heart because although I’m extremely happy I’m also heartbroken for me.
It’s ok for us bereaved parents to feel like this and we should certainly not feel guilty for feeling bad. It’s takes time to start feeling happy again.