The reason I ‘dislike’ Halloween

Halloween is or should I say was one of my favourites time of year. I loved anything to do with a day where dressing up in ridiculous outfits is acceptable!

Last year I couldn’t wait to get Violet dressed up in her first Halloween outfit she would have been at the time only 3 days old and most likely taking her to her first family Halloween party filled with spooky things and people congratulating us and saying how cute she looked.

Now the thought of Halloween scares me I hate it because it’s the day I walked out empty handed.

It’s a day I’ll never forget those moments of that day are so very raw. It feels like its happening all over again the flash backs from this time last year are floating around in my head. The day I woke up next to our sleeping angel, knowing full well it would be the day that we leave the hospital to come home and we would be saying goodbye to our daughter. I can picture every part of that day. Waking up in the morning in floods of tears I got dressed brushed my hair and put some makeup on I made myself look as presentable as possible. I wanted to look nice for Violet’s blessing we had planned. I remember wearing a white T-shirt with a metallic pinky purple unicorn on the front which id worn previously in my pregnancy.

We had Violet blessed in the mid morning and spent our last day as a family of 3. I remember spending most of the day crying because I knew deep down this would it I would never set eyes on her again only in memories.

The rest of the day we spent holding Violet and telling Violet how much we loved her and how much I was going to miss her. It’s one of the hardest days of my life. I look back on what we had to go through I can’t believe I had to say goodbye to my baby.

Our midwives came to say hello during the period of the day where one of our midwives asked if she could kindly take Violet down to where she would be rested. It was late afternoon now and our midwives turned up to take Violet on her way. We placed Violet in a moses basket wrapped up in her pink blanket, a knitted patterned blanket which we had received in our memory box, 3 teddy’s, wearing the outfit we bought her to come home in aswell as a matching hat. I wrote A letter to Violet which I placed inside. It’s awful what we have to go through as a bereaved parent and it’s things that no one knows because who knew you would have to do these kind of things, I didn’t.

I held Violet for the last time before placing her in the Moses basket. I’ll never forget this moment because she wrapped her little fingers around mine without me knowing until I looked down. I just cried out loud and said “she doesn’t want me to go”. We took our last photos, my husband held and kissed her before we placed her in the basket.

We said our last goodbyes and our midwife asked if we were ready to say goodbye for the final time, we were never ready to say goodbye.

Our midwives were amazing and you can see it in their eyes that they too were just as upset as we were. Our midwife picked the Moses basket up with Violet peacefully lay in it and started to carry her out towards the door. I’ll never ever forget that feeling of leaving our baby behind I cried out loud and hugged my husband this was the last time we saw her beautiful face.

She walked out and closed the doors behind her the worst memory I have.

After some time of sitting in the suite we were ready to leave the hospital. It was late by this time which was better for us as we didn’t want to be leaving the hospital during the day when the antenatal clinic was on as we knew we would be seeing other parents walking out with their newborns or for some like us maybe not. Another one of our midwives helped us with our stuff and opened the door out of the suite. I hadn’t been out of the suite since entering, roughly about for 5 days before. My legs turned to jelly as I walked through the doors my midwife on one side and my husband on the other.

We turned the corner past the reception and a couple of midwives who stood by. As we approached the lift I could feel myself turning into an emotional wreck, our midwife asked if I was ok and reminded me I’m doing well. We walked to the car and I got in. We made it to the car but could we make the journey home without our baby?

All I could do is look towards the back seat of the car. She should be in the back but she wasn’t.

We started to drive home the further we got away from the birthing centre the more I started to get emotional the more I cried. We drove through a small village where I spotted trick or treaters running along the path with their little buckets full of sweets in their cute little costumes scaring each other some only very young. My heart just screamed in pain. I cried out loud and screamed for Violet’s rabbit and her. My husband pulled over and got her rabbit out of the bag in the boot. I calmed down and by this time we were home.

We parked the car and walked into the house and never looked left.

Halloween will never be the same because the memories will never go away. They may fade but they certainly will still be there as raw as anything. I’m sure with time it will be easier to deal with but this year it’s as hard as anything. Knowing full well that I won’t be able to dress up my little one in a pumpkin outfit or take her trick or treating when she’s older. She won’t be having fun with her friends from school or going to the school disco. My other children might be but she won’t. I’ll always have an empty space, the place where she should be stood next to other children and missing out of photos.

Halloween will never be the same, we see empty buckets and unworn costumes, we hear silent doorbells, we know who’s missing.

xox

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