As a parent you never imagine living a life without one of your children.
I never imagined Violet not being here living a life with out her is a daily battle. From thinking what she would look like now at 3 and a half months, to hearing her laugh, if she would keep us all night like I did when I was a baby, to memories of when I was pregnant, to feeling upset seeing my friends with there baby’s and children, living a life without is something which has become a “new normal”.
I sit writing this post our cat sat on the arm of the chair my husband laying on the sofa watching a movie, the snow falling outside. It’s so crisp and white outside it’s falling on the chimney tops, my house smells like the wonderful flowers I bought which are all purple including pink small roses, daffodils and tulips. I love flowers, I would have my house covered in them and flowers symbolises our daughter Violet.
My life has changed so much, the ‘new normal’ is different and difficult to deal with. I don’t want to go out of the house although it makes me moody being stuck in. I want to see my friends, I want to go out and I want to have fun but I don’t want to feel guilty.
It’s a difficult one, everyone is leading a normal life now in way like it never happened or it’s all over. There isn’t a day goes by that we don’t think of Violet it’s only been nearly 4 months. For us time stands still for everyone else time moves on. Everything reminds me of Violet, when I was pregnant I would look in my mirror to picture her sat in the back in the car seat we bought, I still do i look over my shoulder in the car to see her not there, from the lady pushing a pram with her new born in, my friends and the people I know with there babies and children, my creative box which has my baby shower decorations in, photos of baby’s with cards saying “1 month old” the women announcing there pregnancy, the women being congratulated on giving birth, hearing a heartbeat – this hurts I heard a heartbeat of a baby earlier this week, a lady who is pregnant, hearing that heartbeat for me brought back so many memories so much pain, the tears started to fill up in my eyes hearing that heart beat of another baby took me back to the time I was lay on the bed through out the 9 months hearing Violets little heart beat it took me to the last time I heard it in the hospital whilst in labour and then the memory of never being able to hear it again. One minute it was there next it wasn’t.
I’m jealous there is no other way to put it “I’m jealous” I’m jealous because I can’t do this I can’t spend time with my baby and I can’t show her off like I want to. It’s learning to live with these constant reminders, half the time I want to curl up wrap myself in cotton wool and wake up in 9 months pregnant with our next child. It’s not going to happen, I can’t lead a life where I hide from everything and everyone.
I drive myself insane, I think about the constant reminders I think about what I would be doing now if Violet was here, her first giggle, her first steps, her first word, her first hair cut, her first day at school, what she would be like when she’s older, what would she be studying? Would she be intelligent? Would she get married, have children. I didn’t plan on leading this life. My thoughts take me back to being pregnant with Violet oh how I would love to be pregnant again i would love to give Violet her brother or sister sooner than we had hoped for it’s something that crosses my mind every day.
I drive myself that insane I decided to meet up with our bereavement midwife Louise who is someone that has now become a part of our life and helps me with my grieving process.
How do you feel ” I feel lost and empty” “I’m sorry” I start to cry, don’t apologise there is nothing to say sorry for. Are you embarrassed to cry? “I suppose I am, I’m not a crier, I don’t like to show my emotions in front of other people I’m not ‘that type’ of person”
Louise replied with “There is no ‘type’ of person”.
It made me realise that I get told a lot of the time I even say it myself I’m ‘that type of person’ ‘I’m strong’ but what is a ‘type’ of person? There isn’t one we are WHO we are. Yes I’m a strong person and yes I can remain positive but that doesn’t mean to say I’m not suffering because I ‘look’ ok.
I’ve met so many other mothers in a similar position to me, mainly through social media, it’s been good to talk as they know like me what it’s like to loose a child. Social media has become a part of my grieving process it’s been a way to reach out to other mothers, share my story, raise awareness and be proud of our daughter. I will always share photos of Violet on social media just like I would if she was here. Everyone else shares photos of there children so why can’t I? Attention seeking, your wrong.
It’s something I thought about last night when I was writing my previous post was words that get said when baby’s are born and one thing I’ve noticed that happens.
The word everyone feels they can’t say because my baby was born sleeping but it’s actually something that I feel should be said to us bereaved parents, congratulations on bringing your child into this world born sleeping or alive. Everyone else says it,
‘congratulations, your baby is beautiful’ ‘Well done on giving birth’ ‘the cutest photos’ ‘you make an excellent mummy’
Soooo because my baby was born sleeping you can’t say this?? Because if so I won’t bother saying it either.
No instead us bereaved parents get
‘I’m sorry’ ‘my heart breaks for you’ ‘I feel your pain’ ‘I’m sorry you have to go through this pain’
I don’t want these type of comments ‘I’m sorry’ sorry for what exactly? I know this is something I’ve said on my previous post but it’s something I don’t understand, your sorry I have to go through this pain, so I am but I never chose to go down this path in life! I know people care and I know people don’t know what to say, for me it makes my heart sick, my heart beat faster and my eyes to start filling up with tears because we don’t have the same words “I’m so happy for you” “she’s beautiful” “we can’t wait to meet her” we also don’t have people sharing photos and congratulating us or saying how proud they are, it’s a subject that no one wants to talk about! You don’t know how much I want these positive words said to me and our daughter, I want to remain positive, I want to stand tall and be proud, I am proud I gave birth to our beautiful sleeping beauty and I congratulate myself on doing this and us becoming a mother and father.
Last night I spoke to a lady who I thought I’d met but I actually haven’t, this lady is a midwife at the birthing centre where I gave birth. Something she had said to me was;
“Your story has touched everyone who works here, you should be really proud of yourself, your blog is beautifully written, as I’ve said you are an amazing woman and mother” “remember after the storm comes a Rainbow”
These words are words that will stick with me forever and when I feel down I will re read this message to remind myself how well I’m doing, how proud I should be and how I am an amazing MOTHER!
In life with have obstacles, obstacles that are here to test us and they have certainly put us to the test!